ptarmigan

At 1030 this morning, they moved me, again, from the 12 man dorm up three flights of narrow stairs where I carried my suitcase with forearm strength 2 ft. in front of me, to accommodate my legs, in to a 12 ft x 8 ft single room with white walls and a mirror, ceilings slanting starting at 2 feet and / up to 6 feet, so I crouch in 3/4s of this room to sit on my 5 ft. bed, where I jumped on too and exhaled. It is in this white, short, small-lapped room where I lay now, with roughly 3x the anxiety, remembering the 1 friend who could subtract it down to 0.

And it was then, 1 hour ago, to now, where I traveled through time and space, to the opening drones and haunting wails, a strum of guitar and plucks of a bass, to three years ago, barely standing by the north sea, my ancient friends...

Standing in some foreign apt in Indiana, there for little 500, to see a cousin, but ended up the first night, with one good friend’s girlfriend, and three that I knew by name and appearance and little else. Before those three bonded with 3-6, the discussion was less hood, more spiraling around stairs, which pavement album was the best, what to make of terror twilight, the shock of meeting a kid in fraternity listening to malkmus, the shock of meeting anyone who listens to pavement, the drinks that accumulated one by one to result in one singular embarrassing moment, whilst dreaming that a kitchen was a bathroom.

I will fight to expedite another lonesome winter

Forward, westward to Kirkwood, in a cramped kitchen at a wood table me and Stephen to meet ted to meet evan, fresh from the boat, after taking the plane thousands of miles, arriving in st. louis, from Scotland. A figure now with long hair and tanned narrow face, more confident and straightforward, remarking on the exactness of the pint, a glass there 3 ounces more than here. The Croatian women, he remarked, more than 3x more beautiful than the men, to whom he was roughly 2x as good looking. And for one hour he spoke of 5 months, and off to sleep, while we headed to Teds basement, to drink 2 xs, while we sat on the cement floor.

didn´t want you to go, if you die just let me know...

1 year from then, after 6 mos. of a group with a total sum so large from makeup of its respective parts it seems like a fluke,we sat on the cracked wooden porch on a shredded leather couch. Evan, in heightened anxiety due to the absence of Bess, and Me, in heightened anxiety for reasons I can’t rationally explain or disclose, sat in silence, only able to speak of how we felt restless and heavy. Each other compounding our anxieties. But the solution, of course, was a change of scenery, not company. And in the winding roads moving out of Columbia, with each exhale, the heaviness expelled through the cracked window, into the leaves of the looming trees, to be breathed in by the leaves, and exhaled and taken in by the blinding stars above. Far away from me for the night…

Continental drifting is so hard on me, to find out just where we’ll be…

Reverse nine mos. to the basement. The first practice after 5 mos of Peter being day away in Australia, evan hours away in Scotland. Behind the fish tank of a fish of particular lack of intelligence but strong will, surviving alcohol poisoning and malnutrition, began the first sounds of the music that would define the next year in all memories and importance, with continual peaks and no valleys, that could not even be described correctly as a plateau or rising mountain. We jumped from mountain top to mountain top and never looked below or ahead, to such success now it’s impossible to not, now, look behind.

And your face glows blue with the second hand light reflecting off the moon

And in the daylight of a bar usually avoided, one that plays evil dead on loop and what to make of it, a small group of us made it to watch the notes reflect in the sun, and with hours to go, a later rendezvouz to cap off a perfect day. A drive through the trees, where we parked, and hiked to the top of a bluff. And watched a house’s single light turn into a fire, and the fire turn into the moon.

Just sit on yer perch and watch everything collaaaapse

A message from peter in February outlining the many ptarmigan dates, to be circled on april 14, or 16^th, when the album would debut. It made the semester look as short as it was, but almost mercifully that night seemed the perfect length. ½ an hour of numbering cds individually, hands reached to the sky, 6 18 oz pbrs to be drunk before 1 4 hour show with 4 acts, respectfully. Of course, and a meet up of 6 close friends before entering into a sea of unknowns. The reward for years of service, the word was out, the hands were up, and no amount of hyperbole could match the elated feeling of all loosely involved…

And it’s been said, I don’t feel the same…

In late june the heat of the summer became oppressing in a 90 year old house with 0 circulation and the result was a general bitterness and shortness with everyone that, certainly, was on par with oxycontin withdrawal. This, was cured by caroline’s apt and cooling temperatures.

Where’s the wolf

1 walk down the 1 mile trail to see the meeting of 3 creeks was stopped short by the complete realignment of shore and water. And with that, Evan mortared some rocks with mud, and I looked through a myriad of them to find the perfect shape. And with that the water of a tiny stream was stopped, in hopes of washing away the excess of rocks preventing the numerous jumps one could take from one leaning tree into the water below…

I don’t care-a what the nurse says a pqrs p-q-r-s

And for one time, at the same creek, a breaking of the heavens left creeks and streams to be rivers. And with it, we packed our phones and keys under a log, and ventured with jimmy and Christina and Stephen and evan and Peter and I and we walked cautiously across a rapid, where some fell, turtles were saved, beer was forded across like Oregon trail and we made across to the soggy ground afore. And made it to the meeting, the swimming hole, where it was now a massive rapid. And the turtle, unfortunately, had to stay. But the beer was chucked, one by one, across, it was a matter of life or death. And Peter jumped first, off the tree, as far as he could make it before swimming frantically to the other side. And then Jimmy. And then Christina didn’t jump but bolted from the ground. And then Evan. And then I. And to get back, we all lay on our backs, projecting where the water would take us, before grabbing a tree branch and hoisting ourself up.

I am the interloper.

And as I opened my eyes I was here in the room, it was white now where there was trees and water before. Sometimes I look at the birds in the trees in the courtyard and try to mimmick the sounds, and it’s reassuring. And Ted’s effortless ability to connect with technology makes it easy. But the fact I haven’t talked to evan in 2 mo’s is something that can now, I found, be rectified with the press of one button, with one finger, and I can be in perpetual company, like the finger that rectifies the situation.

-to evan-

-from ben-